Challenges for The Insane
by BluePrint
Summary: A compilation of stories based on writer's challenges given to me. 100%, pure, non-fat nonsense.
1. The Day When Things That Would Not Norma...

Hey, I was bored so I asked my friend iluvmarauders (check her songfic out it's really sad!) to give me a writer's challenge.

The rules:

This fic must have cho chang

Who falls in love with a tree and won't leave its side

Dudley falls in love wif uh...any MAN of ur choice

Harry jumps into the lake

Ron is laughing hysterically

Hermione kills crookshanks

A choir of angels start screeching and windows break

U have to weave all the ideas 2gether

Voldie gets drunk

Snape goes round carrying a broom

And a horde of pink flying pigs come and attack Hogwarts

Draco is resorted into Hufflepuff

A basilisk appears

Fred & George get top level NEWTS

And Hogwarts is destroyed

*********

(A/N: Here goes …)

The Day When Things That Would Not Normally Occur, Did by BluePrint

One day, Dudley was walking in King's Cross Station. He absent-mindedly walked into Platform 9 ¾. He was thinking of his one true love … Ricky Martin. _Oh, Ricky … the way his eyes twinkle in the moonlight …_*sigh*. Without knowing, he got on the Hogwarts Express. Poor guy … but we won't care about him anymore …

*Meanwhile at Hogwarts*

            "Oh, my love, with bark as rough as, er, strawberries … leaves as green as Crayola's green crayons …" Cho Chang said to the tree near the lake. That's right. Cho is in love with a tree. Just then, Harry came out from the forest running. He runs to Cho. 

            "Cho! You have to help me!!! A swarm of bees are after me!!" he tries to pull Cho who is hugging Leafy the Tree.

            "No! Leafy and I are in love and I will NEVER leave his side!" Cho said defiantly. Harry blinked at her. Then he heard buzzing sounds coming from the forest. He quickly runs and jumps into the lake.

            Ron who was watching all this started laughing hysterically. 

            "HaHa! The boy who lived! Scared of bees!!! HaHa!!!" he said between laughs. 

*Meanwhile in the Great Hall*

            Dumbledore is preparing a choir of angels for a concert during Christmas. 

            "End with the Christmas chorus I paid Snape to teach you then fly away so we can feast in peace, got it?" The angels nodded.

            "I don't see why you can't just let *me* sing the chorus, Dumbledore," Snape said fingering the broom in his hands. "I wrote it after all."

            At a table nearby, Draco and Hermione were chatting.

            "Okay, okay, so what you're really saying here, Hermione, is, the Goblin Rebellion was actually caused by House-Elves trying to free themselves and the goblins got pissed and unleashed such terror on them and that's why House-Elves never want to be liberated?"

            "Precisely!"

            Ron walked into the Great Hall clutching his stomach. Still laughing. "Potter … in the lake … haha!" He sat beside Draco and Hermione. Fred and George stormed into the Great Hall holding parchments in their hands.

            "Guess what?!" Fred said to Hermione, Draco and Ron. "We both got top-level NEWTS!!!!" he said shaking the parchments in front of them.

            Draco, Hermione and Ron stared at the twins. Then Ron broke into hysterical laughter followed by Draco and Hermione. 

            After ten minutes of hysterical laughter, Hermione said, "Yeah, if you *really* got top-level NEWTS, I'd … I'd … … I'd kill Crookshanks!" Crookshanks meowed suspiciously from the next table. 

            Draco said, "Weasleys, the day you both get top-level NEWTS would be the day I get sorted into Hufflepuff!" He laughed some more.

            Hermione, Fred and George (Ron was still laughing hysterically) looked at each other when Draco said that. They stared at the floor. Draco was laughing so hard that he stepped on Snape's broom.

            "Malfoy! 50 points from you!" Snape boomed furiously. He quickly smoothed out the tail of his broom. Draco stopped laughing.

            "But Professor, you can't take points from me, you favour Slytherin, remember?" Draco said to Snape.

            "Of course, I do, but didn't you hear Malfoy?" Snape leered. "You've been resorted into Hufflepuff. Your father wasn't too happy with his son hating Muggles so he thought if you were resorted-"

            "B-but!" Draco protested. But then he accepted his fate. "Oh, well, I always thought Sprout was kinda cute."

            Hermione was worried. "If Malfoy got sorted into Hufflepuff, that means, Fred and George really got top-level NEWTS! Which means, …" she turned to Crookshanks. She pulled her wand out, "I'm sorry Crookshanks. AVADA KEDAVRA!" Crookshanks dropped dead but not before meowing out really really loud.

            The choir of angels turned their heads to the noise. Loud noises pissed them off and they started screeching. They screeched really loudly till all the windows broke and so did Professor Trelawney's glasses, which poked into her eyes and she went blind. But who cares about that fraud? What we care about now is what happens in the second floor staff toilet. The screeching made the mirrors in the toilet break and out came a basilisk. It slithered outside towards Hagrid's hut where Lord Voldie just came out holding a bottle of vodka.

            You guessed it. He was drunk.

            Harry just got himself out of the lake. Voldie walked towards him.

            "Hey, you're –hic- Harry –hic- Potter, aren't you? –hic-" he asked. Harry nodded.

            "And you're Lord Voldie. You tried to kill me the past four years," Harry said. Voldie nodded. Then, Voldie heard numerous grunting and oinking coming from somewhere above the forest. He turned to look. To his horror, he saw a horde of pink flying pigs coming to attack Hogwarts. 

            "Harry! –hic- There's a horde of pink –hic- flying pigs coming to –hic- attack Hog–hic-warts!" Voldie tried his best to warn Harry who was looking the other way.

            "Oh, no, you don't Voldemort! You can't fool me with that same trick … again! I'm not gonna fall for that again … phbbt!"

            Voldie saw Cho still hugging Leafy the Tree. He tried to save her. He pulled her hand, "C'mon little girl, -hic- there's a horde of pink flying pigs coming to attack Hogwarts! -hic- we'd better ditch!"

            But Cho didn't budge from hugging Leafy. "Then let it be, evil Dark Lord. Me and Leafy can fight it. We'll fight it with the power of LOVE!"

            "Just like Harry –hic- did to –hic- Professor Quirrel?" Voldie asked. Cho nodded. A tear streamed down the fearless Dark Lord's eyes. "That always brings a tear to my eye. -hic-" He gulped down the rest of his vodka, threw the bottle away and saw the basilisk. He patted its head. Ron came running out of the castle … laughing hysterically. Voldie tried to tell him about the horde of pink flying pigs coming to attack Hogwarts but Ron just laughed even more.

            Snape came out holding his broom. He was furious because Dumbledore ordered him to sweep up all the broken glass with his broom – without using magic. He saw Voldie. He stood dumbfounded. He ran over to the Dark Lord.

            "Voldemort!!!" Snape shouted out furiously.

            "Oh, -hic- hey Snappy!" Voldie answered.

            "You're drunk!" Snape said.

            "Yea, that was –hic- some vodka."  
            "You got pissed without inviting me, Voldie! We made a pact!" Snape said frantically shaking his broom about and knocking Harry and Ron out. Just then the horde of pink flying pigs coming to attack Hogwarts let out their droppings onto Hogwarts. Hogwarts was destroyed. Snape, Voldie and the basilisk watched with blank looks. 

            Then Snape said, "Hey, uh, now with Dumbledore gone, I guess I can become a Death Eater again. How about it, Master?"

            Voldie considered then said, "Sure, Snappy!" He, Snape and the basilisk went onto Snape's broomstick and took off. "We still have to –hic- kill that Potter –hic- kid, though."

________________________________________________________________________

I had fun writing that. I'm not bored now. :) Review if you like. 


	2. The Circle of Insanity

Hey, iluvmarauders (read her songfic its really sad!!!) gave me another challenge! Yay! 

The rules:

Must have Snape going around saying 'schnoogles'

Harry's addicted to Tetris

A fluffy porcupine with no spiky stuff chokes on a lolly

Percy gets caffeine-hi

Dumbledore's addicted to Hawaiian dance

Dudley gets thin. (THE HORROR)

Ron has a strange illness that cannot be cured but it's making Hermione go crazy

The Whomping Willow is chopped down

Voldie adopts Draco Malfoy

And Blueprint Queen of the Forest saves the day

________________________________________________________________________

(A/N: This is going to be pretty long. Coffee mugs at hand? Here we go …)

The Circle of Insanity 

            "Hullo, Hermione!" Ron cheerily greeted her at breakfast. "Did you have a-" Ron stopped talking. He suddenly went into a trance-like state and then started singing, "You keep me drowning in your love, And every time I breathe I take you in, my heart beats again … Baby I …" 

Ron started singing that Backstreet Boys song. Draco Malfoy, who was passing them, suddenly found himself doing a little jig. Harry, who was seating himself beside Hermione, also started pulling some dance moves.

"…can't help it, you keep me drowning in your love…" with that, Ron snapped out of his trance and continued talking to Hermione like nothing happened. "… good night's sleep?"

Hermione was speechless. She stared around her. Harry and Draco just realized what they had been doing and they looked disgusted with themselves. Draco walked over to the Slytherin table and Harry went back to sit beside Hermione, who looked at Harry and Ron in horror. They both stared back at her.

"What?" Ron asked while taking a seat. 

"Harry, d-did you see what you and Draco were … were doing?" she stammered in shock.

"I don't know," Harry answered. "I just suddenly felt this uncontrollable urge to start dancing. Maybe … it's the weather … you can't be too sure with these winters…"

"It happened again, didn't it?" Ron asked Hermione with dismay.

"What happened?" Hermione questioned with horror.

            Ron sighed. "I go into a trance … start singing songs? What song did I sing today?"

            "A muggle love song," she said. 

            "A muggle love song?!" Ron said shocked. "Oh, no … it's getting worse …" He got up from the table. "I'll see you two at lunch."

            Ron rushed out of the Great Hall. He had to find the only person who could help him. He walked a few corridors, searching in vain for that one person. Then at last, he saw Dumbledore. 

            "Professor Dumbledore!" Ron called out while running towards him. Dumbledore didn't turn. He didn't seem to hear Ron. He entered a classroom. "Professor!!!" Ron ran faster and entered the classroom too. There he saw boxes and boxes of that Hawaiian dress-thingy, stacked high. Dumbledore was at one corner of the room wearing a hula dress and … … … dancing the hula … … … while humming. This didn't occur to Ron as odd. He walked up to the Professor.

            "What is it you want, Ron?" Dumbledore asked, still dancing.

            "Oh, nothing, Professor, I just wanted to know whether you know where I can find Professor Snape."

            "Sure," Dumbledore answered. "Have you tried his dungeon?"

            "Oh, yeah, I haven't actually. I'll go right away. Thanks!" As Ron was leaving, he stopped and said to Dumbledore, "I'll let you get back to your favourite pastime!" 

            Ron ran to Snape's dungeon where he found the professor. Snape was concentrating on a potion and didn't hear Ron come in.

            "Professor Snape!" Ron called out. Snape squealed in fright. He turned around to find Ron.

            "Schnoogles?!" he asked Ron furiously. "Er, I mean … …, what is it, Ron?"

            "Professor, you have to give me a stronger potion! It's getting worse!"

            "How bad is it?"

            "I've …" Ron swallowed. "I've started singing Muggle … love songs!!"

            Snape gasped, "Schnoogles!" Regaining his composure, he said to Ron, "Very well, then. I will do as much research as I can to find a stronger potion. You just keep taking the one I gave you, Ron."

            Ron left Snape who was muttering 'Schnoogles' under his breath, feeling somewhat reassured. After lunch, he was walking with Hermione beside the lake.

            "Ron, I know about what was happening during breakfast today!"

            "You do?"

            "Yes, Dumbledore told me and Harry."

            "Where's Harry now?"

            "Oh, Colin Creevy gave him a magic version of this Muggle game and he's been at it all morning." Ron nodded.

            "You've started singing muggle love songs, Ron! Your illness is getting worse! If you don't treat it …"

            "I know, Hermione, I know!" Then suddenly Ron went into another trance-like state. "Dirty pop! Sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about …"

            Every male being in a 5-metre radius of Ron started dancing. Since they were amateur dancers, they danced horribly. It scared Hermione out of her wits. 

            "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" she screamed. "No!!!! Stop!!!!! Stop dancing!!!" She desperately put her hand over Ron's mouth attempting to shut him up but only in vain. "Shut up, Ron!!!!! You don't know what mental anguish you're causing me!!!!! AaAaaaaaAAAaAAAaaaaaAaaa!!!!!!" She put her hands over her ears screaming, trying to drown out Ron's singing.

            Colin and Harry were sitting at a safe distance of 50 metres away from the insanity. They were looking at a device held in Harry's hands. Harry was playing Tetris. Colin magicked the formerly electronic device to run on, er, magic, so it can be played in Hogwarts.

            "C'mon, Harry! Let me play! You've been playing for the past two centuries!"

            Harry looked up long enough to say, "Centuries?" then he looked back at the game.

            "Just said that to get your attention but obviously not for long enough." Colin sulked. "C'mon, Harry! You've played it for hours now!"

            "Hold on, Colin. Only a little bit more before I beat my last high-score."

            "How many more points?"

            "Fifty …" 

            "Oh, good then, hurry…"

            "…thousand more."

            "What?!" Colin felt drowsy. Impatiently, he sat back down. He looked at the bouts of insanity that crowded around Ron, 50 metres away. "What's up with Ron?"

            Without looking up, Harry said, "Oh, Ron's developed a rare sickness. A side-effect from one his brothers' trick sweets."

            "What sickness is that?"

            "Frequently, he goes into a trance and starts singing songs causing every male being in a 5 metre radius of him to get a sudden impulse to shake their booty thang."

            "…and, baby, you can't stop coz the music's all you got! This. Must. Be. POP!" Ron snapped out of his trance. He noticed Hermione screaming. He went to stop her while boys around him just started realizing what they had been doing and with disgusted looks, walked away.

            "Hermione! It's okay, it's stopped … for now."

            Hermione looked up. Her face was flustered with anger. "That's it! Ron, I am going to try to find a cure for your horrid horrid disease!" With that Hermione stormed off … … … to the library.

*Meanwhile in Voldemort's Super Sneaky Secret Hideout*

            Voldemort is practicing the Avada Kedavra curse on various animals when suddenly Lucius Malfoy storms in. He tripped on Nagini causing him to fall onto one of the target-practice-animals. Unfortunately, at that moment, Voldemort was cursing that animal and so he missed and hit Lucius Malfoy instead. He dropped dead.

            "NOOOOO!!!!!!!!! LUCIUS!!!!!!!" Voldemort yelled in anger and frustration. He ran towards his late follower. "WHY?!??!!?!?!!!!!! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE?!!!?!?" A tear streamed down his cheek and dropped onto Lucius' pale face. 

            Wormtail, observing all this, tried to console his master. "It's okay, Master, it's not like you never killed anyone before …"

            Voldemort didn't look up. He stared at Lucius. "You don't understand Wormtail … I have never missed a curse-shot before. Until now … Lucius … he made me miss that little white fluffy bunny rabbit with incredibly huge adorable eyes!! How could he?!!" Then he stood up. "Oh, well, can't be too perfect, can you, Wormtail?" Wormtail nodded. He proceeded to clean up the carcass when Voldemort stopped him. "No need to trouble yourself, yet, Wormtail. I think Nagini's feeling a little hungry today." Nagini slithered around the carcass.

            "Tell, me Wormtail, does this Malfoy have a family?"

            "Yes, Master. A teenage boy and a wife."

            "Well, I _did_ kill his father, the best I could do is to help them so I will not feel any guilt." Voldemort thought for a while. "I think I'll adopt his son."

*At the Ministry of Magic*

            "Percy, it's getting pretty late," Mr, Weasley said to his son. "You should go home."

            "Can't, dad," Percy said gulping a mouthful from his eleventh cup of coffee. "I've just got a request from a Thomas Marvolo Riddle wanting to adopt this fatherless child – Draco Malfoy."

            "So? Surely you can deal with it tomorrow?" his father said with concern.

            "No can do," Percy replied gulping down his twelveth cup of coffee. "The request said that if this Mr. Riddle isn't the father of a Draco Malfoy by sunrise, all hell will break loose at Hogwarts tomorrow resulting in death tolls higher than deaths accumulated in the past Triwizard Tournaments." Percy's speech was hastening.

            Mr. Weasley felt uncomfortable about this. "Oh, well, Percy … good luck!"

            "What? Hmm? Oh, yeah, thanks, dad! You too, in whatever you do! Tell, mom, I'm fine; I'll be back before you can say 'someone switched the Decaffeinated jug with the Caffeinated'. And, I'm fine if you might ask, oh, yes, this is my thirteenth cup but I feel fine! Weeeeheeeee!!!"

*The next day at Hogwarts*

            Dumbledore, wearing a hula dress, went to Harry, Ron and Hermione at the breakfast table.

            "Harry, I just wanted you to know that the Dursley's will be visiting you today and Ron, Snape would like to see you 10 o'clock at the Whomping Willow. Have a good morning, you three!" With that, he went off for his 9 o'clock hula dance in his office.

            "D'you think Snape has found a cure for my sickness?" Ron asked his friends.

            "No, I don't think so," Hermione said.

            "Why, not?" Ron asked.

            "Oh, because there isn't one," Hermione said matter-of-factly. "I checked in the library." Ron was too shocked for words.

            "Cheer up, Ron," Harry said. "If things don't work out, you can become a DJ!" Ron gave his friend a weird look. He had heard of these DJs and wondered how much money he could make.

            They reached the Whomping Willow half an hour early. They stood a safe distance away from the Whomping Willow when Dumbledore came dancing the hula towards them. Behind him were Harry's uncle, aunt and cousin. Dudley had a lollipop in his mouth. 

            "Hey, Harry, I told you your relatives were coming," Dumbledore said dancing happily. Harry was amazed. He had thought it was a joke.

            "What are you three doing here?" Harry asked them.

            "Oh, my class is having Show and Tell," Dudley told Harry. "Next week. So I thought I'd show them my *cough* favourite *cough* cousin's school." He took out a notebook and wrote something at the top of the first page.

            "Oh, why, how fun, Dudley, but frankly, I can't care," Harry said honestly. He pulled out his game of Tetris and started playing. "Just two thousand more points …"

            Hermione leaned to see what Dudley had written. It said: Freak Show Candidate #1 – Harry Potter. Just then, Percy came. He went to Dumbledore."

            "Morning, Professor Dumbledore!" he said. "Why, what a nice morning. Isn't it a nice morning, Professor? I think it's a nice morning. Yesterday morning was a nice morning too. Oh, that's a lovely hula dress you've got on, Professor. Fuchsia is definitely your colour, Professor! What? Oh, I don't do much dancing. But if you insist …" Percy starts dancing with Dumbledore. "Oh, I've come to tell you, the Dark Lord is here to visit his new son, Draco Malfoy. He just adopted Draco Malfoy, do you know that, Professor? Of course you don't! That's what I'm here for. Professor, Mr. Thomas Riddle has come to visit his new son … Oh, I've said that already? Oh, yes, I did … "

            Hermione and Ron were surprised at this … Percy could **really** do the hula. 

            "I didn't know-" Ron started but then he went into another trance-like state. "I love you, you love me…" Immediately all the males within a 5-metre radius of Ron started dancing, including Uncle Vernon and Dudley. Percy and Dumbledore continued dancing the hula.

            Dudley was … … … breakdancing! To that Barney song! He was breakdancing really hard and fast. The flabs on him were starting to work. Up and down they went, left – right. The lollipop fell out of his mouth. Harry, poor, poor Harry … he was so engrossed in his game that he didn't know Ron was singing. He was walking towards the Circle of Insanity …

            "Yes!" Harry was saying. "Almost! … 200 points, … … a hundred more … 50 … 30 … 10 more points!! Whoa …!" Harry dropped his Tetris game and started doing the foxtrot with an invisible partner. He lost his game … and Colin so conveniently picked the Tetris game up and ran.

            After ten seconds of hearing that horrible Barney song and seeing horrible dancing, Hermione ran into the castle screaming with her hands covering her ears.

            Then Lord Voldemort came. Snape was coming out of the castle, Draco with him. He told Draco, "Schnoogles! Draco, Lord Voldemort has something to tell you. Schnoogles! Go to him now." With uncertainty, Draco walked towards the Dark Lord. Lord Voldemort began:

            "Draco, about your father," he said.

            "I know about my father, Snape told me you killed him!" Draco said furiously.

            "No, it was an accident!"

            "How could you?! Show your face around here after what you did!! My father-"

            "Draco!!" Voldemort boomed. He wheezed. "***I*** am your father!! *wheeze* *wheeze*"

            "NO!!" Draco yelled. "NOOOOOOO!!!!!! YOU killed him!!!! YOU killed my father!!!! You're NOT my father!!!!" Draco started running towards the castle when suddenly something hit his head. He fell then turned to see what hit him. He saw a brown fluff that looked strangely like a porcupine – with no spikes. He picked it up into his hands. "What's this?"

            "That's your welcoming present, you fool," Voldemort said to him. "Since you were going to leave without me able to give it to you, I thought I'd just throw it at you." He noticed Draco puzzling over the little animal. "It's a porcupine!"

            "What happened to its spikes?" Draco asked.

            "Oh, I accidentally cursed them off while experimenting." The porcupine-less (A/N: Haha! Get it? Porcupine-LESS? *snicker*) trotted over to the lollipop Dudley dropped. He started licking it. Then he sucked on it. While he was doing that, Dudley's leg (Dudley was still breakdancing) accidentally hit the furry porcupine-less (A/N: *snicker*) and it choked on the lollipop. 

            Meanwhile, Snape went over to talk to Professor Dumbledore. He entered the Circle of Insanity and started doing the hustle. He danced over to Dumbledore.

            "Professor, I have found a potion that will make Weasley's singing sessions reduce to once a month," Snape said to Dumbledore who was still dancing the hula.

            "Very well, Snape," Dumbledore said. "What are you waiting for then?"

            "The potion requires 20 pieces of metre long planks from the Whomping Willow," Snape said. Dumbledore thought about this.

            "So, chop it off, Snape. That tree always gave me the willies. How long do you think it will take to make the potion?"

            "Oh, two hours the most, Dumbledore."

            "Good, because I was just warming up," Dumbledore said as he danced the evening away.

*Two hours later*

            Our little dancing group is still dancing. Voldemort and Draco joined in unknowingly. At every chance he got, Voldemort tried to strangle Harry. Dudley was still breakdancing – how he learned his moves, we'll never know.

            A rustling of leaves and the light chatter of little furry animals with incredibly huge adorable eyes could be heard from somewhere within the forest. The sounds got closer and closer. Then finally we see what was causing all that noise.

            BluePrint, Queen of the Forest (A/N: Haha, iluvmarauders, very funny!) majestically rode out of the forest on a majestic unicorn looking very majestic indeed. Well, she _is_ the majestic Queen of the Forest … Her grand entrance was accompanied by the little furry animals with incredibly huge adorable eyes who were her loyal servants. She stared at the scene in front of her. Then she let out an incredibly majestic and royal laugh.

            "What is all this?" the majestic queen said. She understood the situation (poor her … or rather … me) and proceeded to fix it but then Snape came running out of the castle with an ickle bitty potion vial thinking he was gonna save the day. How wrong he was. He saw the queen and (A/N: 'immediately started kissing the hems of her majestic robes … icky …') ran to her. 

            "Majestic -schnoogles-, BluePrint, Queen of the Magical Forest!" he said. "I am so very sorry -schnoogles- you had to see this-"

            Snape could not finish what he was going to say because the majestic queen just took out her majestic wand and said a majestic incantation (which is only majestic because the majestic queen said it), which made a majestic blue light zap out of her majestic wand that majestically headed towards Ron ("We're a happy family…") and majestically made him stop singing. 

            The dancers stopped dancing except for Dumbledore who was still doing the hula. A heap of clothes could be heard falling onto the ground. It moved … wait a tick! 

            "That's not a heap of clothes, you know," Hermione Know-It-All Granger said. She just came from the castle. 

            "Then what is it? … Schnoogles?" Snape asked.

            "It's … it's …" Harry stammered in horror. "D-Dudley!!!!"

            Dudley stirred. Then he got up. His clothes hung from him.

            "Oh, the horror!" the majestic queen majestically said.

            "He … he's … THIN!!!!" Harry said. "Yes! Now I get to eat more desert without him finishing it all!"

            So, once again, the day is saved by … The Powerpuff Girls … what? What do you mean this isn't the Powerpuff Girls show?! It's not? Well, even if this isn't the Powerpuff Girls show, it says here on the script … What? Somebody switched my scripts? One of the furry little animals with incredibly huge adorable eyes ate it? Oh, well, I'll just say something else then …

            So, the day has been saved by BluePrint, Majestic Queen of the Magical Forest, Dudley is thin and Voldemort is currently enjoying his new fatherhood. Percy's fainted and they're building an outhouse with the remaining planks from the Whomping Willow.  Ron has been cured, Harry is devastated that he didn't get to beat his last high-score and the nice guys at St. Mungo don't find it necessary anymore for Hermione to be admitted. The author of this fic had so much fun writing this that she isn't bored anymore so to sum it up, it's a happy ending!

END

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its characters. I own myself (BluePrint) in there. I don't own the Backstreet Boys' song, N'Sync's song or that Barney song (thank God!). Don't own the Powerpuff Girls either!

About the Majestic Queen of the Magical Forest, don't think I'm egoistical or anything like that. When I was coffee-high the other day, I sent an email to iluvmarauders saying I'm Queen of the Magical Forest and the little furry animals are my servants. That's probably where she got the idea. The Tetris too … I'm an addict! So don't think I'm really egoistical or anything. And I don't like boybands, so don't think I do.

Ta!

Oh, and if you're bored, feel free to send me a challenge at blueprint87@email.com!


	3. A War, A Saviour, An End

Here's another challenge given by iluvmarauders (can I say it more clearly? GO. READ. HER. SONGFIC. SAD. VERY.). Oh, and thanks Dunderhead for your review and for your challenge. I really laughed when I read it. I'll work on it as soon as I finish this fic!

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter and its characters belong to the great J.K. Rowling. The author of this fic will not be responsible for any mental distress, grief, anguish caused by reading this fic. You have been warned … 

Oh, and this fic isn't all that funny … more like, silly… ha! Fancy me saying that!

The rules:

~Remus can't talk properly   
~Snape accidentally blows up a love potion he was making...for who???   
~Must have Cho Chang in it   
~Viktor Krum makes a comeback   
~Voldie develops a cheesy smile   
~Potatoes take over Hogwarts   
~Marshmallows appear dancing   
~There is a food fight literally in Hogsmeade...as in tomatoes vs. candy and stuff like that   
~Superman saves the day   
~Everyone sings getting to know you   
~Happily ever after

________________________________________________________________________

A War, A Saviour, An End

Snape had seen it coming … for quite some time, really. The reason he didn't tell anyone? You'll find out …

            He sat in his office thinking about the day's happenings when Remus Lupin came in.

            "Your potion is at the corner over there, Remus," Snape said distantly, waving his hand at the corner. Remus nodded. He went over to the corner, took the small bottle and frowned.

            "S-Sna-ape-pp-pe?" Remus stuttered. Snape look abstractedly at him. "Potion … Not … Here." He struggled to get these words out. Snape raised his eyebrows.

            "Oh, that's right," he said laughing half-heartedly. "I forgot to make it … I'll be by your office by dinner, okay?" He grinned widely, … which is very suspicious because Snape hardly ever grinned. Remus nodded quickly … a little too quickly and was about to leave when …

            "Tell me, Remus," Snape said. Remus slowly turned. "The interpreter has arrived already, hasn't he?" Remus nodded. He looked as if he wanted to say something but Snape waved dismissively at him. He walked back to his office shaking his head. Snape had been acting differently ever since … ever since … … … _they_ took over …

            When he walked into his office, he saw Cho Chang sitting there. She was looking very frustrated.

            "I can't believe this!" she cried to Remus exasperatedly, standing up. "Professor! Doesn't this strike you as odd? Potatoes have taken over Hogwarts and Dumbledore hasn't been seen for days! Are you going to do anything about it?"

            Remus thought about this for a minute. He was afraid of those potatoes actually. They scared him. He shook his head at Cho. 

            "Well, if you won't, I will," Cho said as she sat down on a chair and thought.

            "I … Want … … Eat. Now … … … You?" Remus asked.

            "Maybe later," she said standing up. "I think I have a plan."

*Dinner at the Great Hall*

            "The new Headmaster of Hogwarts will have his entertainers now," Voldemort said to the students. Smiling cheesily, he clapped his hand twice and marshmallows appeared in front of the staff table. They were of assorted colours. They began dancing to a tune that came out of nowhere.

            Cho, at the Ravenclaw table, thought Voldemort looked a little out of place at the staff table. He was the only human sitting there in the middle of a dozen potatoes, placed on piles of books on the chairs. Ever since the potatoes took over Hogwarts, the professors were forced to eat at the house tables with the rest of the students. _Not for very long, though_, Cho thought. She had a plan.

            Voldemort, the Interpreter of Hogwarts, leaned over to the potato, which was placed on the Headmaster's chair. He leaned back nodding. When the marshmallow dance finished, he clapped his hands and the marshmallows disappeared and appeared on the plates. 

            "A little appetizer," Voldemort said with a cheesy smile. When the marshmallows were finished, dinner appeared on the plates. Everyone started eating. The students were very curious of how the potatoes ate. Whenever they looked at the potatoes, they were inanimate. But when they looked away then looked back at the potatoes again, their (the potatoes) dinner plates would be half-finished. It was all very odd …

            Snape sat at the Slytherin table. He wasn't eating. He was staring dreamily at the staff table. No, not at Voldemort. He thought that the new Headmaster, Professor Braun Eyez, looked rather attractive. _Oh, if only it would look this way,_ Snape thought. _How, oh, how can I get it to notice me?_ A thought struck Snape. He quickly got up and went to his dungeon. _Of course! Why didn't I think of it before?_ He rummaged through his desk and finally found what he was looking for. 

            The recipe was headed: Love Potion. He found the necessary ingredients and began concocting the potion. 

**********

            Remus was getting worried. Snape said he would come by his office but he hadn't. Remus shakily came out of his office and walked to Snape's dungeon. He saw Snape busily stirring a cauldron. _He must be making my potion,_ Remus thought. He walked up to Snape's side and just stood there for a few minutes; then said:

            "F-Fi-Finished-dd-d?" Remus asked. Snape jumped. He looked at Remus angrily.

            "Remus, have you ever heard about knocking?" he asked. "You just wait outside, will you?" Remus shrugged. He walked out but not before tripping on his robes and falling. The wind coming from his robes as he fell down made the recipe sheet fly away. Snape angrily pushed him out.

            When he left, Snape got back to his potion. _Now, for the last and most important ingredient …hmm? Where on earth is that recipe? Oh, well, I think I remember what that last ingredient is …_And he did! But sadly he didn't remember just how much to add which was two drops. Snape poured in the whole vial … … … _It is finished!!!_ … … … BOOOOOMMM!!!!!!!

            "Oh, @&%#$ …" he muttered, covered in black soot.

*The next day*

            Cho looked at Viktor Krum. Viktor nodded at her. She smiled. Her plan was ready. She walked to the Headmaster's office entrance, muttered, "Industrial-strength fertilizer" and walked up the spiral stairs. She stopped for a while at the door.

            "What? Oh, yes, I've been trying to kill that Potter kid ever since then … … … No, I haven't been successful … … … Yes, I know! That Triwizard plan was wicked! Too bad I didn't get to kill Potter, though," came Voldemort's voice. 

            Cho knocked. She came in. She saw Voldemort beside Professor Eyez, leaning towards it. When Voldemort saw her, he stood up.

            "Yes?"

            "I've come to inform you that, the tomatoes are raging war against the potatoes," Cho said confidently.

            "What?! But that's insane! The tomatoes wouldn't dare! Yes, Eyez?" Voldemort said. He looked as if listening to the Professor. He nodded then he looked back at Cho. "Is that all?"

            "No, the tomatoes said to inform you that they'll be waiting for the potatoes this evening in Hogsmeade … they declare … a FOOD war!"

            Voldemort flinched a little when she said that. He listened to Eyez for an answer. Then he looked back at Cho. "Are you their messenger?"

            Cho shook her head. She was ready for this question. "Their message came to me while I was asleep. It came to me in a dream." Voldemort nodded as if this was a reasonable answer.

            "Very well, the Headmaster dismisses you," Voldemort smiled a cheesy smile at Cho. Cho looked disgustedly at him then left.

            She immediately went to the Ravenclaw dormitory entrance where Viktor was waiting. 

            "I've told them," she said to him.

            "And their action?" he asked.

            "Not a clue. They seem to want to fight," Cho said. Viktor nodded. He felt relieved. When the potatoes and tomatoes fight, none will win and Hogwarts will be saved from the Potatoes and Durmstrang will be saved from the Tomatoes. He looked forward for that evening.

*At the Gryffindor Common Room*

            At the Gryffindor common room, Harry had a different plan.

            "I'm telling you, Hermione, I'm positive it will work!" Harry pleaded with Hermione. Hermione looked at Ron.

            "I really think so too … If Harry's childhood hero is really all he says he is, then … I supposed it wouldn't hurt to try, would it?" Ron said. Hermione sighed.

            "Oh, all right then," she finally said. "Just leave me out of this, okay?" The boys nodded. They proceeded to write a letter to Superman. 

*That evening in Hogsmeade*

            "Wow, there's an awful lot of tomatoes here," Cho said to Viktor. She looked around the deserted village and at the tomatoes lying scattered by the hundreds on the main street. The residents were warned about the food war and they didn't want anything to do with it. They waited patiently for it to end, shepherd pie pastries at hand and puree machines in the other.

            Potatoes were starting to come by the hundreds. The two forces gathered facing each other, patiently waiting for their respective leaders. When they came, they wasted no time … they started the food war.

            Voldemort was by Eyez's side helping the potatoes. He shouted 'Avada Kedavra' at each tomato he saw. When he did, the tomatoes split open spraying out red substance …

            After an hour, both the forces called for backup. The war went on.

            "Where IS your little hero, Harry?!" Ron said. "He's late!"

            "Hey, just wait a little while more, okay?! He'll be here," Harry said. "You'll see. He always comes."

            After another hour, Superman finally came. He walked to Harry.

            "You're Harry Potter, aren't you?" he asked. Harry gasped.

            "Superman!!! You made it!!!" Harry yelled with delight.

            "Hey, Super-guy," Ron said monotonously. "You're late."

            "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry," Superman apologised sincerely. "I was saving the world in Hungary. I couldn't just leave, could I?" 

            "Oh, all right, then," Ron said. "Now go do your job." He said indicating the food war. Superman held out his hand and raised an eyebrow. Ron reluctantly gave him a bag of 50 Galleons.

            "Hey, saving the world ain't easy, kid," Superman said keeping the bag. "I'm doing you a big favour … while risking my life!" With that, Superman went off into the sky to end the war.

            "You'd better do a good job!!!" Ron shouted after him.

*Half an hour later*

            "Wow, Superman!" Harry said admiringly. "I knew you could do it!" Superman, covered in vegetable guts, smiled at Harry.

            "Yeah, so did I," he said. They looked at the potatoes and tomatoes that have just declared peace. They were getting to know each other now. But they were doing it rather awkwardly. 

            "I have an idea," Harry said walking towards the vegetables. "This is something I learned in Muggle pre-school. Come on out everyone and join me!"

Everyone who was in Hogsmeade gathered in the street. Harry started singing:

"Getting to knoooww you, getting to know all aboooutt you! …" Everyone started joining in.

            At the end of the day, everyone was happy …

THE CRAPPY END (hurrah!)

Hey, guess what? This thingy here *shows a mechanical device* is my Insanity Radar Meter. Whenever I slip into that other side, this green light here *points to green light on Insanity Radar Meter* will blink red allowing me to know when I'm, er, not normal. That way, I can contact St. Mungo at once and I wouldn't be able to hurt any innocent readers *blinks innocently*.

What? Oh, you like my new sunglasses? Thank you. … … … … What?! What do you mean I won't be able to see the red blinking light with my sunglasses on?!! I can see it perfectly with these 100% tinted glasses!!! *light blinks red* 

Bye! I hope you didn't fall asleep reading this story!

Challenges? Mail them to blueprint87@email.com! Or write them in your reviews! :)


	4. [insert title here]

HEEEYYY!!!!! *shows a mechanical device* They got me a new Insanity Radar Meter!!!!!! The other one broke … yea, broke, … like … all of a sudden … Not like I *touched* it or anything, it just … broke … *hides hammer behind back*. Well, now this Meter not only BLINKS red, it actually does everyone a favour of calling the nice guys at St. Mungo! So they'll come and carry me away before I can hurt anyone, how about that! It'll save some lives …

This challenge is by Dunderhead.

The fic must include:

1) An evil plot to kill Dobby,   
2) A love story involving Crookshanks, Hagrid and a cup of hot fat,   
3) Two alternate endings,   
4) Ron's illegitimate son Bob,   
5) 'Stupid Hat Day' and   
6) A large box of gold hotpants

The inevitable **DISCLAIMER:** I own nada … … … HAHAHHAHAHAH!!! You can't sue me now!!!! Na-na-na-na-na-NA!!! *sticks tongue out*

________________________________________________________________________

[insert title here] by BluePrint

            The house-elves stared at each other.

            "So, is us going to do it?" the fat one named Boinky asked. The other house-elves hesitantly nodded. Boinky grinned smugly. He proceeded to explain the plan. "So Dobby will be going to Hogsmeade for his day-off tomorrow, is Boinky right?" 

            The house-elves nodded.

            "When Dobby is gone, we put very very sharp, spikes in Dobby's bed and cover the sharp spikes. When Dobby comes home very tired, he will want to sleep, is Boinky right?"

            The house-elves nodded.

            "But when he sleeps on his bed, Dobby won't be able to wake up!!" Boinky said chuckling with delight. He was a very evil house-elf indeed. Timidly but wickedly, the other house-elves grinned.

*Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Common Room*

            "Harry, what do you _mean_ you finished my pink nail polish?" Ron said with frustration.

            "Ron, I didn't _finish_ it," Harry replied. "I … it … sorta … _spilled_ on my fingernails."

            "Oh, and I supposed it spilled on your toenails too, huh?" Ron said.

            "Yeah."

            "Oh … that's alright, then."

            Just then the common room portrait swung open. Hermione, Lavender and Parvati came in carrying a box each. 

            "Hey, what have you three got in those boxes?" Ron asked. The three girls reached into their boxes and took out … hats. Hermione took out one that was coloured banana yellow and had pink stars all over it. Lavender took out one that looked a little like Abraham Lincoln's hat with bold white letters on it that said, "2004 bunnies have been taken out of this hat." Parvati took out a navy blue one that simply read, "N'Sync".

            "What are the hats for?" Harry asked.

            "Harry, are you daft?" Ron said. "Don't you KNOW that tomorrow is Stupid Hat Day?"

            Harry shook his head.

            "What?! I can't _believe_ you don't know it's Stupid Hat Day tomorrow, Harry! You know, Harry, if you're gonna hang around me, you have **got** to keep up with the times, Harry!" Ron sighed a frustrated sigh. He was a very frustrated boy indeed. He began painting his toenails purple.

            "And look!" Hermione said pulling out a reasonably small hat out of the box. "I even got one for Crookshanks. I'm gonna show it to him now … that is, if I can find him … haven't seen him all day."

            Hermione couldn't find Crookshanks because he had spent the entire day spying on the only one he truly loved … Hagrid. He stood outside Hagrid's hut and looked in the window. What he saw made him sighed woefully. 

            Inside the hut, at the table beside a particularly large cup seated Hagrid. He was talking to the cup, which was filled with hot fat. Yup, steamin' …

            "No, don't say that …" Hagrid pleaded with the COHF (Cup of Hot Fat). "There is *nothing* going on between Crookshanks and me … … … yes, and that's the last time that will ever happen, I promise! … … … It didn't even _mean_ anything! I was really drunk that night! … … … Please? Please, take me back! … … …" (A/N: Sorry, didn't get the accent right … … … in fact, I didn't even _try_ to get the accent right! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)

            Crookshanks sighed a cat-ty sigh. Just then he heard a sound behind him (A/N: Or is it her?). 

            "Crabbe, _what_ do you mean you can't remember where you put it?" a very angry Draco Malfoy said to a very confused Crabbe. "Okay, okay, … … … you left the box here," -Crabbe nodded - "Then you went into the forest to take a leak, is that correct?" Crabbe nodded. "But when you came back, it was gone?" Crabbe hesitated and scrunched up his face as if trying to think (trying but not succeeding). Then he nodded. "Well, someone must have stolen it of course! A large box of gold hotpants just doesn't go missing all of a sudden!!"

            Draco's face was flustered. He sighed. "Someone must have stolen it … … … but who?" He thought for a while. Then he snapped his fingers. "Of course!"

*The next day at Potions class*

            It's Stupid Hat Day!

            Everyone in class was wearing stupid looking hats.

            "Oh, my," Snape said with false surprise. "The Slytherins have managed come up with such brilliantly stupid looking hats! 10 points awarded!"

            There was a knock on the door and in came Professor Dumbledore. He spoke with Snape for a while. Then Snape turned to the class.

            "Weasley," Snape said with a sneer. "Professor Dumbledore here would like to speak to you."

            Ron got up and left the class, wondering, with Dumbledore.

            "Continue brewing your potions, students," Snape said. He walked to Draco's desk. "Good work, Mr. Malfoy. Your potion looks excellent! 5 points to Slytherin just because."

            Draco looked up at Snape with an angelic smile on his face. "Wouldn't it look better if it were *-dramatic pause-* golden, Professor?" Snape flinched. Then Draco whispered, "If you give the box back with its contents, Professor, my father need not know of your insolence."

            Snape looked mutinous. "I don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy." He walked away leaving Draco furious.

*After Potions*

            "Did you taste your potion, Hermione?" Harry asked.

            "Yeah," Hermione answered. "It tasted like … … … Grindylow liver."

            Harry's eyebrow rose. "Really? Mine tasted more like … … … plain water."

            "Oh, that's because you didn't actually **_ADD_** your potion ingredients."

            "Oh … … … oooooohhh …" Harry said with realization dawning.

            Just then Ron came running around the corner carrying a baby in his arms. "Hey, you guys!!!! Guess what!!! Guess what!!!!" he said excitedly bobbing up and down.

            "What?"

            "Look!!! LOOK!!!!!" he said thrusting the sleeping baby towards their eyes. Harry and Hermione looked. 

            "Erm, it's a … baby, … Ron," Hermione said with concern for her best friend. Her hand immediately went to his temple. "Have you a fever, Ron?"

            Ron shook her hand away. "Its … its *sob* my very own … illegitimate SON!!!"

            Harry and Hermione gasped.

            "Really, Ron?!" Harry said. "Oh gosh!!!! How cool is that Hermione?!! Hey, Ron, can I be his godfather?"

            "What?! No way!" Ron said. Harry looked hurt. "At least not until You-Know-Who's dead … because I don't want him to take my *-another dramatic pause-* illegitimate SON for hostage or anything because of you. It's nothing personal, Harry." Harry brightened up.

            "What are you going to name him?" Hermione asked.

            "Erm, I was thinking of naming him 'Severus' but … that name's too common so I think I'll name him Bob!"

            "Cool."

            "Radical."

            Ron beamed.

*That evening*

            A high-pitch scream sliced through Hogwarts … 

            The house-elves laughed silently. When the blood splashes ceased, they quietly but hurriedly rushed out to clean up the mess before anyone came to investigate.

*Snape's Dungeon*

            Snape thought about what Draco had said to him in today's Potions class._ Children are SO naïve_, he chuckled to himself as he reached below his desk to take out the box. He reached into the box searching for the right size … _Large? No too big … Medium maybe? … … … Nah! Hmmmm … Aha! XXS!_

            The door slammed open, much to Snape's shock. It was McGonagall. Her face was pale.

            "Someone's just killed Dobby!!!!!" she cried out. 

            "Killed who?"

            "Erm, Snape, … are those … golden … ho-hotpants?" McGonagall asked. Snape nodded. Just then Draco passed by the open door. He stopped when he saw Snape with the large box of gold hotpants.

            "Ha! I knew it was you Snape!" Draco said. So, the next day, Draco went and told his bigshot dad about Snape's 'insolence' and that greaseball got fired the next day … … … OR … … …

            On the way to the kitchens to investigate the scream, Hagrid accidentally spilled the COHF on Draco who was on the way to the Slytherin common room. So, Draco's face burned and the next day he went and told his bigshot dad about Hagrid's clumsy accident and the 'ickle half-giant got the sack the next day.

THE END

Hermione: Um … if you're wondering where the author is …  
Ron: The nice guys at St. Mungo came and took her kicking and screaming away.  
Harry: Don't worry, though. She'll be back.  
Draco: Yeah, she has the BEST escape plans EVER!  
Hermione: You would NOT believe!  
Ron: Oh, look, Harry, she killed Dobby off. Isn't that sad?  
Harry: Who? ::ponders for a moment:: Dobby … isn't that a Teletubbie or something?  
Draco: No way, man! The Teletubbies are ::starts naming the Teletubbies:: . They rock!  
Snape: Totally.


	5. Accidental Chaos

Hey!  
This challenge is from Red Scar:

The challenge:

-The Weasley Team created several trick potions and tested them.   
-Harry drank a potion that made him go get a PlayStation and created the "Whack-a-Voldemort" game.   
-Malfoy and Cho Chang drank potions that made them sing Christmas carols in burps.  
-Voldemort drank another potion that made him think he can fly.   
-Ron and Hermione drank a potion that will make them kissing each other FOREVER.  
-Dudley drank a potion that made him think he's a pig and lived with a sow and lived happily ever after.   
-Then, everyone else in the wizard community drank potions that will make them think they can survive the Avada Kedavra curse and asked Voldemort to try and kill them.

Message to Red Scar (**Warning**: if you are not Red Scar and you read this message, your eyes will spontaneously combust! I'm serious!): Red Scar, you're challenge is TOO specific. If a challenge is going to be FUN, it shouldn't be TOO specific. It seems you already made out what will happen to the characters so there's little left for me to do. Either that or I'm a really lame talentless writer with a HUGE writer's block. :) Still going to try though … since you seem SO eager to read my response!

________________________________________________________________________

(A/N: I made this really really long so you readers will burn at my insanity before you even read HALF the fic!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!)

Accidental Chaos 

            Fred and George Weasley were in their Super Sneaky Secluded Secret Idea Room That Only They Know About (a.k.a. SSSSIRTOTKA). What they do in their SSSSIRTOTKA is they invent new tricks for them to sell to other people. Right now, they were venturing into a new idea – trick potions!

            "George, what does this potion do again?" Fred asked the day they finished brewing the potions.

            "Erm, I don't quite know yet …" came George's reply.

            "Well, only one way to find out then," Fred said. Evil grins spread across their faces.

*The next day*

            "Hey, Harry!" Fred called out to Harry. They were the only three in the common room.

            "Yeah?" came Harry's bored reply.

            "We created a couple of trick potions … would you like the honour of trying them out so that me and Fred can see what they do?" George asked him.

            "Er, no," Harry replied. "Thanks by the way."

            "Great!" Fred said exuberantly. "Here's the potion! Don't be afraid by it's animateness … that's just the live slugs we put in." The twins gave a broad smile.

            "Erm, I don't think you two heard," Harry said as he sat up. "I said NO."

            "We know you said 'no', Harry," George said. "But everyone KNOWS 'no' means 'yes'.' He said matter-of-factly.

            "Oh … oh yea … 'no' means 'yes' …" Harry said. "I guess I MEANT 'yes' … all right then." He took the little potion bottle and gulped down the liquid inside. "Hey, this tastes good …"

            "How do you feel?" Fred asked.

            "I feel … fine," Harry said numbly. A glaze invaded his eyes. He felt numb for a few moments. Then for a few minutes, he just sat there inanimately staring at the fireplace.

            "Harry?" George asked cautiously.

            "Uh, George? He doesn't look too good," Fred said. "Maybe the potion had a negative effect on him."

            "What if … what if he stays that way and never be the same again?" George asked with a panicked tone in his voice. "What if that potion paralysed him making him a vegetable that will soon prove fatal to his well being and kill him slowly and painfully from the inside but no one would know because he's incapable of speech and Harry will suffer a horrible, terrible death!"

            "So what? We can always make MORE potions."

            "Oh, yeah … … … hey, isn't there that Quidditch match today?"

            "Oh, right, Hufflepuff versus Ravenclaw."

            "I wonder who will win," George said as the twins exited the common room.

*5 minutes later*

            "Ow …" Harry said holding his head in his hands. He had just snapped out of his little trance. "Shouldn't have stole Hagrid's vodka." He stood up. "Should've stopped at the third bottle." Then he saw the empty potion bottle … "Oh, right … the trick potion … I wonder …"

*The next day*

            "Who shall be our next victim, Fred?" George asked.

            "Who else but the one and only despicable-"

            "Malfoy," they said together.

            They waited in the corridors for Draco. Then he came around the corner. Thanks to the Powers That Be, Draco was alone.

            "Hey, Malfoy," Fred called out with a sneer. Draco gave one back.

            "What is it, Weasel?"

            "Since you're Public Enemy Number One, everyone voted that YOU should be the next one that tests our next trick potion," George said holding out the potion.

            "Erm, nah … I don't think I will …" Draco said.

            "It's strawberry flavoured …" Fred said in a singsong voice as he poured a glass of the potion. Draco looked at the ground and fidgeted with his feet.

            "Here … we'll put an umbrella in it," George offered. Draco still looked reluctant.

            "What colour umbrella is it?" Draco asked.

            "Any colour you wish."

            "D'you have green?"

            "'Course we do!" George said as he stuck a green umbrella in the glass. He handed it to Draco. "You want?? … You like??"

            Draco grabbed the glass and gulped the liquid down. "Mmmm … strawberries … Can I have the whole bottle of it?"

            "Sure," Fred said. Then he whispered to George. "That potion takes a day to take effect … let's go." The twins left Draco with the potion.

            Just then, Cho Chang came by. She was led by her Super-Sensitive nose (an advantage for a Seeker). She smelled strawberries … her favourite.

            "Mmmm … I smell strawberries … huh? Wha? Malfoy?" Cho said. Then her eye rested upon the bottle he held in his hands. "Give me that!" She made as if to grab the bottle. And grab it she did. And pull it out of Draco's grasps she did. And drink it till the last drop she also did. "Aaahhh … strawberries … Thanks, Malfoy!" And she went back to her dormitory.

***

            After they left Draco with the potion, the twins made for the common room.

            "Hey, Fred, I have an _excellent_ candidate for our next guinea pig," George said.

            "Who?"

            "Harry's muggle cousin."

            They entered the rowdy common room where they found the Gryffindors crowding around what looked like a TV screen with a grey box below it. Two grey wires were attached to the grey box and the other ends were controllers. Dean and Seamus were handling those controllers.

            "Hey! Fred! George!" Ron yelled. "This is wicked! Harry invented a game called 'Whack-a-Voldemort'! It's really awesome!"

            Fred and George looked at each other. Then they pulled Harry aside.

            "Harry! What did the potion do?" Fred asked excitedly.

            "Erm, well …"

            "What happened when you broke from your little trance?" George interrupted.

            "I got this insane urge to get a PlayStation …" Harry said. He looked at them waiting for weird looks but they urged him on. "Then when I got one-"

            "_Stole_ one, rather," Hermione said interrupting.

            "Yea … what she said … Then I got another insane urge to … create a game …" He went on but Fred and George weren't listening anymore. They whipped to their SSSSIRTOTKA and immediately jotted down the potion's effects. They proceeded to owl Dudley a package. Inside the package was a trick potion cleverly disguised as a can of Coke.

            Just then Ron and Hermione appeared in the SSSSIRTOFGKA. Fred and George stared at them for a while. The four said nothing. Then Hermione broke the silence.

            "I **thought** you guys would be here!"

            "Hey, Fred, do you have anything that will cure these rashes we have? They're killing us!" Ron said.

            "Erm, yea, I suppose I do …" He fumbled aimlessly at the desk. His brain was still trying to process the fact that Ron and Hermione were in their SSSSIRTOTKA. He grabbed absent-mindedly at a pink potion bottle and handed it to them. 

            "Potion to cure rashes?" Ron said.

            "Yea, Ron, I should have thought of that …" Hermione said. "Oh, well, thanks Fred! Let's go, Ron. Oh, and by the way, nice place." And she and Ron went back to the common room.

            "How … how did they find out about our SSSSIRTOWKA?" Fred said regaining himself.

            "Erm … I don't know but, uh, Fred, the potion you gave them …"

            Fred looked at the desk where the pink potion bottle use to be. "Uh-oh. The Super Make-Out-Forever Love Potion! I accidentally gave it to them!"

            "Quick! Grab the camera! We can make some fast cash selling cheap smut videos of them!"

            "Right! Right, you go on ahead, George!" Fred said as he stumbled out of his seat and reached for the camera. George left the SSSSIRTOTKA. Fred grabbed the video camera and several tapes of film and was about to dash out when … Voldemort appeared!

            "BWAHAHAHAH!! I told you, Wormtail! This is only place in Hogwarts that I can apparate into!" he said.

            "Yes, Master," Wormtail said, coming to Voldemort's side.

            "And for misjudging me, Wormtail, you shall die. AVADA KEDAVRA!" 

            Wormtail died. Somewhere in heaven, James and Lily rejoiced.

            "Duh!" Fred said.

            "What?!" Voldemort said, jumping slighting. "Who are you, boy?"

            "Don't change the subject!" Fred said. "We're talking about the only place in Hogwarts that anyone can apparate into. Of course you can apparate here! It's me and my brother's SSSSIRTOTKA! And you're not invited."

            "Oh … I'm sorry," Voldemort said. "AVADA KEDAV-"

            "OH, MY GOD!!!! IT'S RICKY MARTIN!!!!" Fred shouted as he pointed behind Voldemort. Voldemort squealed with delight as he turned around.

            "Where!!!! WHERE!!?!??! Oh …" He turned facing Fred again. "That was very rude of you! Didn't your mother teach you manners, boy?"

            "No," Fred said. "But that still entitles me to a dying wish, doesn't it?"

            "Erm, yes, I suppose."

            "Okay!" Fred said. He randomly grabbed a potion and handed it to Voldemort. "Here … test my trick potion."

            "Phbbt! You expect _ME_ to drink _THAT_?" Voldemort asked.

            "Yes …" Fred said slowly as if talking to a one-year-old.

            "Cool." Voldemort said and he drank the potion. He licked his lips. "Just like my old socks."

            "Okay, whatever. I've got to rush to the common room to videotape Ron and Hermione making out."

            "Can I watch them too?"

            "Erm, … well, you _did_ grant me my dying wish so … yea, sure!" They walked out into the common room.

            "AAAAHHHH!!!! IT'S YOU-KNOW-WHO!!!!" A girl screamed. She dashed up to Voldemort and checked a parchment she had in her hand. "Erm, sorry, Dark Lord but … you are NOT on the party list." Voldemort looked hurt.

            "But I came with _him_," he said pointing to Fred.

            "Ooohh …" the girl said. "Party on then!" The girl walked away.

            "Hey, Voldemort!" Harry said cheerily. "Look! I made a 'Whack-A-Voldemort' game! It is SO cool!"

            "Hmph! That's nothing! Look what I can do!" Voldemort said as he walked towards the window. He opened it and stood on the windowsill. "*I* am about to show you that *I* can **FLY**! Behold!" Voldemort jumped out the window, hands spread wide. A few seconds later came a loud THUD! And after that some cursing.

*The next day*

            The breakfast table at Hogwarts was noisy as usual. But today there were two other sounds. One belonged to Draco and the other to Cho. They were … singing Christmas carols … no, wait, that's not right … they were _burping_ Christmas carols.

            Fred and George walked into the Great Hall. They noticed Draco and Cho burping carols. They froze.

            "Oh, my God!" Fred said.

            "Yeah! I _know_," George exclaimed. "It's not Christmas yet!"

            "No, not that!" came Fred's petulant reply. "They're burping it."

            "So?"

            "They're burping it _wrong_! It's *starts burping to the tune of White Christmas*. Those two are amateurs!"

            "Preposterous!" 

            "Must have been the potion."

            "Ahh."

            They sat down and started having breakfast.

            "Hey, Fred," George said. "We have _got_ to try out Potion No. 68."

            "Yea, but on _who_?"

            "Hmmm … the whole wizard community?" They both laughed dismissively. But George had an evil gleam in his eye.

*That day at Hogsmeade*

            "Quick, Fred!" George said as he looked out of the kitchen door.

            "I'm pouring it as quick as I can!" 

            "Stop tasting the Butterbeer, you fool! You just spiked it!"

            "Oh, right!"

            "Madam Rosmerta's coming! Quick! Behind the counter!" They both jumped behind the counter. Madam Rosmerta came in the kitchen door. She filled a few glasses with Butterbeer and then went out. Fred and George sniggered quietly to themselves.

*Meanwhile at Privet Drive*

            Dudley was walking home from the candy store. Then he saw an owl hoot above him. The owl dropped a small package at his feet. He picked it up and tore the wrapping. 

            "A can of Coke? Who sent me this? And by owl too?" Dudley said to himself. His mind debated with his stomach whether he should tell this to his parents or just drink the can of Coke. His stomach won. He finished the whole can of 'Coke' and started walking home. 

            He entered through the back door and said 'Hello' to his mother. Only it didn't come out as a 'Hello' but more of a grunt. Aunt Petunia looked at her fat son. 

            "Dudley, dear, have you been anywhere near your father's secret stash of beer?" asked Aunt Petunia. Dudley grunted back a reply. Aunt Petunia looked at him suspiciously. "Dudley, dear, your father's psychedelic drugs aren't to be taken by children YOUR age … oh, well, if it keeps him off his PlayStation…" Aunt Petunia sighed and went on reading the newspaper as Dudley went up to his bedroom. 

After a few minutes, Aunt Petunia heard noises emanating from upstairs. There were a few loud grunts, then a few screams, which quickly turned into piggy-like squeals and then sounds like something banging on the walls. This went on for quite a while and Aunt Petunia heard it all. But she just laughed it off.

            "Teenage hormones … little Jane from next door must have come over," Aunt Petunia said with a hearty laugh. When it was time for dinner, Aunt Petunia set the table then went upstairs to call Dudley downstairs. She knocked on his door a few times but when Dudley didn't answer, she opened it. And screamed.

            "Oh, my GOD!!!!!" she screamed before promptly fainting. Uncle Vernon ran upstairs and walked into Dudley's room. It was all in a mess … and a pig was cowering in a corner. Uncle Vernon saw the pig.

            "Oh, it's just tomorrow's dinner, Petunia, nothing to faint about," Uncle Vernon said. "Hey, that pig looks just like … … … OH, MY GOD!!!!!!"

            The next day, Dudley's parents had no choice but to sent him to the farm. Aunt Petunia blamed Dudley's transformation on Uncle Vernon's psychedelic drugs and alcohol.

            "Vernon, you should have just spent a little more money on QUALITY drugs, Vernon!" she said. "Now, look what has happened to our little Dudley-kins. And … oh! Did he just poop! He just pooped in the car, Vernon!" 

            At the farm, Dudley met a beautiful sow that he fell in love with and lived happily ever after. Gross …

*That night in Hogsmeade*

            Almost everyone in Hogsmeade drank the spiked Butterbeer. And they started an argument.

            "Are you nuts?! You can't survive the Avada Kedavra curse!"

            "Says who?!"

            "Says ME! Because *I* am the only one who can survive it!"

            "Er, people?" a timid young voice came out. They all turned to see who was speaking. "I think *I* am the only one who has ever survived it … so, why argue?"

            "Look at that! It's Harry Potter! Look, Harry, I *know* I can survive the curse, all right!" a burly man in brown robes said.

            "So can I!" another man said. 

            "Look everybody! Shut up!" Hermione piped in. "For those of you who say they can survive the Avada Kedavra curse … go ahead … prove it!"

            "Okay … erm, … how?" the burly man said. "Hey!!!" He pointed behind Hermione. "It's the Dark Lord!!!" 

            Everybody turned to look.

            "Why, so it is!" Hermione said. "Hey, Tom! Can I call you Tom? Sure I can. Can you help us Tom? See these people here … they think they can survive the Avada Kedavra curse … Help them prove it, Tom!"

            "Erm," Voldemort began. "I only came here to perform ONE Avada Kedavra curse on ONE person and his name is Harry Potter."

            "Awwww!!!" a disappointed voice came. "C'mon, ya tub-o-lard! Perform the curse on ME! I KNOW I can survive it! C'mon!"

            "No, Dark Lord! Try killing ME! With the curse! C'mon!" another man said.

            "No way, Ken! Only I can survive it!"

            "What?! Voldemort! Try killing ME! Not them!"

            "VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!!" a high-pitched voice came out. Everyone turned to look. The voice belonged to a girl who ran up to the Dark Lord. She held out a glass of milkshake. "Here! If I give you this, you'll HAVE to try and kill me with the Avada Kedavra curse!"

            "Milkshake?" Voldemort asked with a raised eyebrow. Then another man came running up to him.

            "STOP!!! VOLDEMORT!!!" the man shouted. He held out a glass of milkshake too. "Here! Strawberry flavoured!"

            "That's more like it!" Voldemort said as he took the strawberry milkshake and drank it. The he gave the empty glass back to the man.

            "Now perform the Killing Curse on me!"

            "No way … the Drew Carey Show is on now and I don't want to miss it. Man, that Carey guy's really hot, you know! (A/N: Phbbt! Yea, right!)" Voldemort said as he bent his knees. "Prepare for take-off!" He spread his arms and then made as if to fly off. Then he jumped. And he landed flat on his face. "Darn it …" He looked around for a broomstick, grabbed one and flew off into the night humming that tune from The Drew Carey Show.

THE END

Draco: Ew, Professor, what's that?  
Snape: It's a penguin.  
Draco: No! That!  
Snape: *squeals in fright*  
-Harry comes-  
Harry: Hey, what's that?  
Hermione: It's the author.  
Harry: Does she pulsate like that all the time?  
Hermione: It's her brain.  
Ron: She has one?  
Draco: Erm, Professor, I don't think it's wise to take samples of the author's brain.  
Hermione: Malfoy's right, Professor. Not even for mutational research.  
Harry: Yeah … you _know_ she's not …  
Ron: Hey! Put that scalpel away, Professor!  
Snape: Oh, quiet you-  
-A fifty-ton anvil falls on Snape-  
Draco: *sigh* I _told_ you it wasn't wise.

Challenges for me, anyone? Mail them to blueprint87@email.com!  
Meanwhile, I'll stare at this wall right here. ::stare at wall::


End file.
